How did I let things get so bad?

I spent most of the first part of my life hiding. For so many years I was unsure of myself and uncomfortable in my own skin. I never let anyone in.

I felt like an alien at times, like an observer of my own life, looking in through a window. Often times I felt like I wasn’t really there and didn’t know who I was.

This shaped the way I saw the world and my place in it.

I became an expert at hiding my feelings and pretending to be cool. I sometimes failed at this of course. Every failure only fueled the feeling of being worthless and made me want to seal the door of my heart even tighter.

The first part of my life had a trajectory that I felt very little control over. I got the job, the house, the car, the lovely wife… all of it… all the things that were “supposed” to make me happy, and yet I felt increasingly miserable. I had no idea of who I was or why I was put on this earth. What was it all for? Where was my life going exactly? I felt like I could see all the way to the end, and I wasn’t inspired.

There was a burning desire inside of me that was dying and I hated that feeling. I hated the way that I had no idea of what to do about this feeling. I hated my own lack of courage and I hated how frail I had become… embedded inside my comfort zone, which seemed to be ever shrinking.

Then I lost it all.

Overnight.

I almost lost my mind and my life as well. This was the final, spectacular breakdown and it was all mine. I created it, and it left a huge crater in the lives of everyone I knew.

Somehow, in the darkest and most terrifying time of my life, I found a way to hold on. I found a way to get though the shame, and the guilt, and the heartbreak, and all my worst fears showing up all at once.

I leaned heavily on the 2 close friends that still stood by me. I let them see how broken I was. I’d hit rock bottom and had nothing left to hide.

It suddenly seemed so obvious that I’d been keeping this massive collection of bullshit ideas and false beliefs in my mind, and that they’d been driving me crazy. So I let them all go.

What a difference!

What an incredible revelation it is to finally see your own bullshit stories and let them go.

I used to think that hiding would keep me safe.

I used to think that keeping secrets was empowering.

I used to be afraid of letting the real me be seen and heard.

Now I know better.

Now I know that the real me is virtually indestructible.

There’s no mask

There’s no representative.

There’s no protective barrier that can be broken, and so I’m free to be myself without the fear of being “revealed”.

I wish that I’d found more support at an earlier stage. I wish that I’d been brave enough and wise enough to persistently seek out other men to confide in and learn from.

Like a Brotherhood.

This could have made a massive difference in my life and, by association, in the lives of my family.

This is why I built Brothers & Kings.

This is my burning desire. This is my life’s mission and purpose.

This is my joy… one of many I now gratefully experience.

I believe that Men deserve better.

Better support, better relationships, better understanding, and room to breathe.

I believe that empowering Men will elevate every relationship a Man has. Sons, daughters, wives and parents, sisters and brothers, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever…. EVERY relationship a Man has and most importantly his relationship with himself.

This is what I needed most in the first part of my story, and what I desire deeply now, in the second part of my story.

Brothers & Kings is what I needed to open my eyes and my heart, and to help me change course on purpose… instead of taking the long slow road to self-destruction.

And now, it’s here for you. 

I built all this for you, man. Take a look inside, join the community, take a chance,
find yourself.

Much love,

Jonathan